In my last letter I talked about what Girls find attractive in Men, which for a guy who works with married couples as much as I did was not much of a challenge. But if nothing else, I want these letters to embrace the love I feel as a father to his son. And that means, that among other things, I would not be doing this project justice if I did not talk about what Men find attractive in other Men as well.
After all, as I said in a previous letter, I don’t care what sexuality you embrace as an adult, what i do care about is that you treat your sexuality with the respect and dignity that it deserves.
As I was gearing up for this letter, I felt a certain apprehension. I was thinking, man I have no idea what a healthy gay man wants in other men… and then I realized that I knew exactly what they wanted. I have many gay friends, both ones who have led healthy lives, and ones who have unhealthy ones.
For that matter I have had more than a couple of gay men profess their love to me.
And as I thought about this it dawned on me that what i have observed is this: Gay men respect and admire in other men the exact same thing that straight men do. The only difference is that that respect sometimes comes along with a deep physical and sexual attraction. Gay and straight men are not very different. After all, we are still Men.
And what men respect most in each other is Inner Strength.
Men respect in other men the emotional courage to step forward and volunteer – or lead – even when we are afraid. We respect men who have the moral courage to say “No.” when someone asks us to do something we consider immoral. We respect men who live by a code, and won’t compromise that code for anything. We respect men who let their actions speak for them, rather than talk endlessly about what they might do.
Beyond that, gay men, like other men have an eye for beauty. They know what makes a man beautiful in a way that straight Men understand, even if they don’t really think about it as such: We all know that a man who is muscular, but not exaggerated is going to be attractive. We all know that having well-groomed hair, and trimmed, sculpted facial hair makes us attractive. We know that being trim makes us attractive. As does having expressive eyes and well cared-for skin. These are all signs that we take care of ourselves, and keep our bodies healthy and clean.
We also know that all men go through life feeling a little unwanted. And gay men can often feel that more sharply than anyone else. A person who shows a man that he wanted, desirable, and admired can be powerfully moving. Whether that comes in open admiration, looks of desire, or a deep interest in that man’s inner world.
And so a Gay man who is interested in forming a lasting relationship with you will be looking that you are a man of quality; they you have a strong and healthy mind, and strong boundaries – but that you are interested and open to him. Beyond that, everything else will be a matter of individual tastes.