Flirtatious Girl in a Bikini

Male Sexuality, and Keeping a Healthy Mindset about Sex

Flirtatious Girl in a Bikini
Flirtatious Girl in a Bikini, by DayronV

Dear Son,

I will probably be the most up-front dad anyone could ever ask for when it comes to straight talk about sex.  I talk to men about sex and sexuality every day.  Which means that I know just how critical a healthy perspective on it can be.

If you have a question ever, don’t hesitate to ask, and know that I will be ad completely honest and forthcoming as I can.  I have seen a lot of unhappiness and broken relationships come out of people who don’t understand and respect the power of their sexuality.

First know that Sex is rarely just about sex.  Sex triggers off primal parts of our minds that are usually silent and still.  We feel wild feelings during sex that we almost never experience outside of it.  It is a rush that can be as thrilling as a brush with Death.  A healthy person cannot have sex without feeling deep, complicated, feelings.

Sexual climax can be like dying and coming back to life.  It is a reset button for the brain: it can wash away stress, or be a turning point in a person’s life.

With all of that power, it should be no surprise that it can be very complicated.

Every culture in the world makes Women the gatekeepers of Sex.  Men have a spontaneous, first need for Sex: we want it all of the sudden, often for no reason.  The sight of a beautiful woman can fill our heads with fantasies, or make it swim as surely as a drug could.  We chase after sex by instinct from the moment we hit puberty.

Women don’t get the same kind of longing or need nearly so often, they feel Desire when attractive men show that they desires them.  She also knows that sex could lead to a baby; which means that sex is always risky and dangerous for her; she could be stuck raising a child on her own, or have one who is unhealthy and hard to care for if she chooses badly.  Which means that a smart, emotionally healthy woman holds back her desire and reigns it in.  She only accepts a man who is strong, brave, and in control.

 That means to get the love of the most attractive women, Men have to prove themselves worth the risks of Sex.  We have to push ourselves to stand out: to complete against other men and take risks.  At least, that is the primal and ancient way things have worked.
The reality now is different. Pregnancy is not as scary as it once was, nor as dangerous. Women are freer with sex, and sometimes they settle for a strong man without waiting to see if he is also a worthy one.  And there are many unhealthy and unwise women around, too, just as there are unhealthy and unwise men.

Whatever the reality, deep down we know how it has gone in the past. We want to compete, we want a woman to find us worthy.  We want, on some levels, for Sex to be a hard-won prizes.  It’s a primal bone-deep feeling in men.  It is why some men have such a hard time respecting a woman who gives in too easily (not that this is an excuse: treating a woman badly because she is enthusiastic about sex shows an incredibly poor character.)

And it is why men who feel unloved and unwanted can become obsessed with it.  If we feel unworthy and unlovable, having sex can, for a moment, make those feelings disappear.  After all, the woman in our bed thought we were worth the big risk to not just accept us, but literally take us into her body,  and take the chance that she might get pregnant with our child.  That is a pretty incredible feeling, one that can lead to obsession.

Many men make their whole sense of worth contingent on Sex!  They come to believe that the only way that they can know that they are worthwhile human beings is when they are getting laid.  If they are getting lots of Sex, then they feel like good men; if they aren’t, then they feel wretched.

Men who think this way are usually extremely unhappy.  If they are in a relationship, they try so hard to keep their partners happy, that they have no power.  They are afraid of getting cut off and so try endlessly to please their partner, what the man’s lover wants, she gets however unreasonable and unhealthy.

If they are single, they are constantly on the lookout for easy sex.  They look for one-night-stands, affairs, flings, and party girls who will make them feel good about themselves for a few brief hours, and then it is back to feeling insecure and lonely.  Some instead just stick to prostitutes, and risk all kinds of legal, reputational, or even physical trouble for that feeling.

In both cases the men who make this mistake can become bitter and cold towards Women, because we often resent the things that we give power over us.

For other men, Sex is so intoxicating that they become hooked on the feelings of peace and wholeness that comes after it. They become convinced that Sex can fill the empty places in their lives.  They convince themselves that if they have just the right kind and amount of Sex that they will feel complete.  I’ve watched men ruin a good relationship, because the woman they were with just couldn’t fulfill that one fantasy that they were convinced would make everything right.

And sex can change things!  Sex really is powerful enough that it can help you heal or help you process complicated, confusing feelings. There is powerful magick in Sex, but only when you approach it with care, respect, and a healthy mindset.

Remember that sex is only a part of happiness, it should serve your relationships and make them stronger. It shouldn’t define them. And remember that happiness comes from within; it’s not something another person can give to you, even through something as complicated, beautiful, and transformative as sex.

The best and healthiest way to approach sex, is to know that it is powerful, is to be prepared for it to have an effect on you come do not fool yourself into thinking that there is such a thing as meaningless sex, but also to remember that it doesn’t define you. Sex doesn’t make you aware of the human being, although you get it most often when you are one. Sex won’t make you happy, although a sexual relationship that is fulfilling and healthy certainly can.
Humbly,
Dad

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