Sexy Male Model

“Game” and Pick-Up Artisry

Sexy Male Model
Sexy Male Model, by AlbertEkka

Dear Son,

One of the stranger developments for men in the past few years has been the evolution of Pick-up Artistry.  As dating and romance have become more and more confusing, a few men got together and figured out exactly what it takes to bed a woman.  Fewer skills or subcultures have inspired more controversy in my lifetime.

Ultimately, you will have to make up your own mind about “Game”, but I wanted to share a few thoughts about it with you as a follow up, to my letter on What Girls Want.

First, know that if you apply it thoughtfully, it does work. Game will make you more attractive to women, and you will have a lot more success seducing them. If sex alone is your goal, then Game is a good tool.

But the wise and whole man is not interested in just sex.

Men whose only drive is chasing tail are often out of balance.  They are trying hard to fill the empty places in their souls with an endless supply of sex without love or trust.  It is a form of self-neglect, of fake happiness that is so intense and addictive that I have seen it become a man’s whole life.

Sex is powerful.  It is human alchemy, with the power to let us heal from deep wounds, to banish terrible feelings, to clear doubts, or process confusing experiences.  It is never meaningless.  Be wary of handling it carelessly.

Ultimately Game works, but the lingo, the pseudoscience explanations, and the cultural theory around it are facile and flawed, too. Game doesn’t work for the reasons that most Pick-Up artists think it does.  They get attached to theory and ideology, and often Ideology holds us back from personal growth.  If you decide to experiment with Game, be careful to think about your experiences.  Come up with your own understanding of why women find a man with Game so appealing, run it by Men you trust, let it help you grow.

I have used Game in my own life as a remedy.  Long before you came along my marriage to your mother fell into troubled waters.  For my part, I’d forgotten that marriage is a sexual relationship, and neglected both my needs and your mother’s.  We acted more like friends and roommates than spouses.  I’d fallen into the trap of using pornography to avoid the hard work of keeping the energy in our marriage that it needed.  I’d also fallen into a victim mentality that held me back in critical ways in my life.  I was waiting to be discovered as a writer, rather than taking charge of my career.  Not that I was alone in making mistakes; we both did things that hurt the relationship.  When we were at our most unhappy, I learned Game, and used it to bring passion back into our relationship.

But I also worked hard to become a better man in other ways at the same time. Game was a start point on a journey; it was far from the end of it.  Being a good boyfriend or husband takes a lot more than a few sexy moves.  It takes a Man of Quality.

That is how I use it in my coaching, too. I use a little Game to help men in faltering relationships do some critical repair, but only as the start to a process of changing the kind of Man they are in their relationship.

One final thing I urge you to consider about the culture of Pick-Up Artists as you become an adult is this: Integrity is the lynchpin of real Happiness.  Without it, we can’t trust or respect ourselves, let alone expect others to do so.  A man who does not respect women as thinking, feeling human beings should expect no respect from them.



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